Fight a Good Fight

Conflict is a natural part of marriage, and, Conflict in marriage is inevitable

1. Don't run from Conflict
Repressed irritations have a high rate of reoccurrence.
2. Choose your battles carefully
Learn what needs to be changed and what can be overlooked.
Don't sweat the small stuff.  90% of stuff we argue about is small stuff.
3. Define the issues clearly
What is the fight all about?  Identify the Real Source of conflict.
Finish one fight before starting another one..... Keep Focused on the Point.
4. State your feelings directly
Don't beat around the bush.  Lovingly tell what is bothering you.
Use X,Y,Z   formula for stating your feelings.  Keep Focused on the Point
5. Rate the intensity of your feelings directly
Use a scale of 1 to 10   (Not ~ "I don't care", or "Over my dead body")
You can say "In situation X,  you do Y  which makes me feel like Z"
6. Give up on put downs
Couples are experts in Character Assassination.
One Put down will undo hours of kindness.
7. Dont dwell on Downers
Stick to relevant issues ~ Stick to the issue at hand and end the fight.
Repeatedly emptying your gunnysack of criticisms (old, unresolved issues)
is a strong predictor of divorce!

What Couples Fight About:
Most Fights are either about Sex issues or Money.
Money heads the list of the "Big Issue" fights.

Common Offences in Marriage

 •  Abused: emotionally or physically
 •  Lying
 •  Ignored
 •  Insulted
 •  Made fun of
 •  Criticized
 •  Betrayed
 •  Contempt
 •  Disappointed
 •  Estranged
 •  Anger
 •  Bitterness

Fight, Then Forgive
Without Resolving Conflicts, Forgiveness can't happen!

What is Forgiving Love?

 •  Forgiving love chooses to release the grudge against your mate
 •  Forgiving love cancels the wrong done by you or to you.
 •  Forgiving love restores a wounded relationship.
 •  Forgiving love comes from God.
 •  Forgiving love Divorce proofs your marriage.

Myths of Forgiveness

Myth #1: "When I forgive, I must also forget."  Jer:31:34
Myth #2: "The hurt is too great.  It is Impossible for me to forgive."
Myth #3: "I don't feel like forgiving."
Myth #4: "I can't forgive until the other person asks for it."
Myth #5: "In order to forgive, I must pretend nothing happened."
Myth #6: "I must forgive right away or it doesn't count." (It takes time to heal)

Four Turns in the Death Spiral towards Divorce

1. Criticism ~ MUCH different than Complaints
Criticism involves attacking someone's personality rather than their behavior.
Complaints begin with the word "I";  Criticisms begin with the word "You".
2. Contempt
Contempt is the intention to hurt and psychologically wound and control your partner.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness occurs when both partners feel like victims and take no responsibility.
Defensiveness is so destructive because it can become a reflex.
Defensiveness makes you feel completely righteous in your position.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is withdrawing and building a stone wall response to your mate.
Stonewalling conveys disapproval, distance, and control.
85% of stonewallers are men who clam up and camp out (passive / aggressive)

Note:  Not forgiving until your partner acknowledges pain, puts you both into a Debtor/Debt Collector position
with one of you withholding love from your spouse.