Responding to Anger ~ A Workbook

I'm really struck by the similarities in different protocols I've been studying... All of them seem to deal with illnesses, and phobias, allergies, etc... that all have an emotional base. I know that in Homeopathy, emotions are as important as the physical ailment that is being dealt with in correctly choosing a remedy.

I've been reading a book called Responding to Anger ~ A Workbook by Lorrainne Bilodeau, MS, which deals with teaching people to express their emotions in a constructive way. You know, I don't know that I ever learned how to do this they way they teach it.

Basically, they show that most anger is either a misconception of what happened or what the other person meant. Even if a person is perceiving it correctly, most people feel intimidated by anger, or feel that anger is either a sin, or unacceptable. This prevents them from looking at it objectively and dealing with the core emotions, one biggie of which, is fear. Fear and Shame seem to be some of the most dealt with emotions. When this is examined, then the person has the ability to look as what their true feelings were inside, and what they said or did, and how this may not be what they would like to happen, as it may cause the other person to feel alienated, rejected, and not encourage intimacy in their friendship. When people realize that it is OK to have anger, but that it needs to be slowed down by deep breathing, then looking at what part of their own response could be changed to affect a different outcome.

Although I'm not going through this book, the way I sometimes do with book reviews, I really learned a lot from it, and could see a lot of correlations between the NET, and the EFT that I am now reading.... Both of these techniques deal with balancing either organs or meridians so that our spirit is OK with what emotions are being dealt with.

With EFT, they have phrases that basically say.... "Even though I'm still..... I completely accept and love myself". In NET, they have phrases that are similar... "I'm OK with ...... "

So, in clearing allergies, or other situations: the problem is energy blockages because of NOT being OK with different situations, or our own perceived performance, fears that haven't been dealt with, etc...

If, as the book Responding to Anger is correct, then, a lot of problems could be avoided by teaching ourselves and our children how to better communicate with others about their true feelings. A lot of people who have been asked about what makes them angry say that rudeness, inconsiderateness, impoliteness are causes of anger. These words indicate disrespect. Clarification and trying to be sure you understand why a person is angry is helpful. By asking for clarification, "John, I know you're angry. Is it because you think I lied? Or is it because you are jealous? Do you feel I have betrayed you?" This allows anger to defuse, and true feelings to be talked about. This might also include allowing others to own their own feelings and anger, and not assuming responsibility for it one's self. Addressing another person's anger for being put down might be as simple as saying " John, Whether people trifle with you or not is no measure of how important you are."

I am very new at trying to dissect feelings and see what lies beneath... but it seems that if communication was really a priority in today's homes, that it would be preventative medicine for most emotionally based physical problems....

My husband for years has said 'Communication, communication, communication. So much distress could be eliminated if people would only communicate'. And what we say is not necessarily what another person hears.

You know, I appreciate so much your response, as I feel that so many in today's society, with out divorce statistics proving how little effective communication is going on; Is it any wonder why children growing up in these homes, have no clue as to how to communicate, and thus we have "Columbine" situations all over the country? I know that in my family growing up, it was fight or flight. There was a lot of fighting, but there was the insecurity of what happens when and after a fight is going on. So, I learned to recede and to avoid conflict at all cost, to avoid abandonment. But, this sticks me with unresolved emotions from years of non communication. These emotions get stuck as unresolved energy in organs, which it's hard to get the energy flowing again. That's why the Bible tell us to "let not the sun go down on thy wrath!" Keep short accounts! Keep the emotional trash basket cleaned.

With the NET theory, we have unresolved emotions that are stored in different organs, and these organs, meridians, etc... each are connected to different teeth, which if toxic, and toxify the entire body.

With the EFT, we see that the eyes are implicated in the clearing process of emotions, and we know that the rapid eye movement is so important in sleep that is restorative.... and look at how few people really sleep and wake refreshed?

One doctor off the Paracelsus list wrote me and said that in the Indian culture, that the first part of our sleep restores our body's organs, and the second part of sleep restores our emotional processing and cleanses our emotions. Sara kindly wrote me and gave me more info on this, but this first writer said that it's no wonder that so few have restorative sleep, and we have so many grumpy people to deal with...!

So much of this could be resolved by clarification of what the other person meant when they said....X. And to really look at what emotion this or that statement made you feel....
Did you feel disrespect for your time... when this person is chronically late?
Did you feel dishonored or disrespected when this person continually interrupts you and you never get to finish what you were trying to say?

Actually deciphering what is happening, in our emotional realm and putting names to emotions and then trying to clarify with the other person.... "Did you mean to say this...X"? "I feel really disrespected when you interrupt me and will not listen to what I am saying". "Did I offend you when...?" This allows us to communicate with "I" statements, and is less threatening than "YOU always..." which shuts down communication.

Lorainne believes that Relaxation, (deep breaths, counting to 10 before responding), Analyzing of Emotions in Communication, and Respect of others are the keys to correcting poor communication habits.

Just getting a better understanding before getting angry, by asking questions like:" Can you tell me what was going on when...?" "Would you describe what was happening when....?", "Can you tell me what was your strongest thought before you...?" can help a WHOLE lot to better understand another person's perspective, and encourage better communication!

She goes over body language, and how to approach different people of different sexes. She feels that men and women need to be approached differently. She says a woman is less threatened when she can see what is coming at her, so to go directly in front of her, head-on, face to face. With an angry man, she suggests coming up from the side, as coming up head-on can be interpreted as a challenge. She goes over clenched jaws, etc.... and reminds us to consciously relaxing our jaws, and taking a deep breath.

This Responding to Anger workbook states that there are basically seven basic emotions: Happiness, guilt, sadness, loneliness, inadequacy, fear, and anger, which functions as a indicator. Anger is there to tell you it's time to defend and protect.

For anyone's anger to be useful, more must occur than merely experiencing the feeling and releasing the accompanying energy. People who use their anger proficiently undergo a four-step process:
1. They feel anger.
2. They recognize the situation that provoked it.
3. They identify a healthy, productive goal that would alleviate the situation.
4. They maintain this energizing emotion until they can take at least the first step towards this goal.

She feels that each person enters the interaction responsible for five components, excluding the external event (Thought, Chemical, Emotion, Behavior, and Reaction). If two people are involved, then ten components are involved.
Lorrainne has a circular diagram that starts with an event.... so you have :
Event ----->Thought----->Chemical----->Emotion----->Behavior---->Reaction---->and back to thought.
This circular nature of the feeling process portrays the emotion's trigger, the feeling state, and it's expression. What the drawing does not show is the enormous input and learning from many sources that must occur for each element to complete it's part of the represented circular process.

This book is really a very good practical book that can serve as a spring board to learn to decipher emotions in the vast topic of "anger". The ISBN # is 1-56838-624-9 If anyone has other books that they can recommend, I'd love to know about them. I'm feeling that just because I grew up one way, doesn't mean that I want to bestow this inadequate legacy upon my children. I would love to learn and to teach effective communication to them to gift them with the ability to effectively live in peace in this world.

You know, Pasture on his deathbed finally admitted Buchamp (sp?) was right, and said "He was right! The microbe is nothing, the terrain is everything!"

In this book, Lorrainne writes about a dinner invitation to a good friends house. She says her husband and her arrived, but her friend was not yet there, and her friend's husband, a Chef, was busily cooking dinner.....

They always loved going there for dinner... the friendship, laughter, and the food was excellent!

The girlfriend finally arrived, and apologized for being late, saying, "I'm late because I parked my husband's car". What that meant was.... that she had parked it in a fire lane, and it had been towed. Now, this husband/chef was very upset, as he had a collectable corvette, and was concerned that if towed, that the transmission would be ruined, and so was very angry, and slammed his fist on the counter, clipping the bowl with the chicken in it. It flew across the room, and everyone gasped!..... The girlfriend said... "WOW! Did you see that bird fly?????" Everyone erupted in laughter... The moment was rescued by humor.

We so often lose all our ability to find humor when in stress, when we need it the most.

I remember the story about the guy who laughed himself back to health.... with old time comedy videos. Laughter is so important, as it creates endorphins, cancels pain for 20 minutes with only 3-4 minutes of deep belly laughter. Like a deep internal massage.

Just thought I'd share this story... I found it a hoot! Wish I could think on my feet this way! I admire those who can!